Coming Out to Parents, Relatives, and
Straight Friends
When you begin to come out to non-gay people, your experiences
will probably vary. Sometimes it will go well. Occasionally a relationship will
be terminated abruptly or will fade away unexpectedly. From the experiences of
many lesbians and gay men, their parents and friends, we offer a number of
suggestions about coming out to non-gay people. You need to evaluate these
suggestions in the light of your own personal situation and needs.
1.
Be clear
about your own feelings about being gay. If you are still dealing with a lot of
guilt or depression, seek help in getting over that before coming out to
parents or other non-gay people. If you are comfortable with your gayness,
those to whom you come out will often see that fact and be aided in their own
renewed acceptance of you.
2.
Timing can
be very important in coming out. Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and
problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality. The
mid-life crises of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business
concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no
control can affect another's receptivity to your information.
3.
Never come
out during an argument. Never use coming out as a weapon. Never encourage
parents to feel guilty for having "caused" your sexual
orientation--because they didn't.
4.
When
coming out to parents or family, try to affirm mutual caring and love before
launching into your announcement about your gay or lesbian life.
5.
Be
prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people, at
first. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try to let other people be
honest about their initial feelings even if they are negative. Remember that
the initial reaction will not likely be the long-term one. Ultimately the
individuals who have really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far
more supportive than those who give an immediate but superficial expression of
support.
6.
Emphasize
that you are still the same person. You were gay yesterday and will be gay
tomorrow. If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise you will be
loving and responsible tomorrow.
7.
Keep lines
of communication open with people after you come out to them--even if their
response is negative. Respond to their questions and remember that they are
probably in the process of reexamining the myths and stereotypes about gay
people which we all have learned from our culture.
8.
Be sure
that you are well informed about homosexuality. Read some good books about the
subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come out.
9.
Encourage
your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and
gay friends.
10.
Remember
that it takes many gay men and lesbians a very long time to come to terms with
their own sexuality and even longer to decide to share the fact with others.
When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust
and to comprehend the new information about you. Don't expect immediate
acceptance. Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.
11.
If you are
rejected by someone to whom you have come out, do not lose sight of your own
self worth. Remember that your coming out was a gift of sharing an important
part of yourself which that person has chosen to reject. If rejection does
come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile. Is any
relationship so important that it must continue in an atmosphere of dishonesty
and hiding? Was the person really your friend or simply the friend of someone
he or she imagined you to be?
12.
A casual
or offhand approach often works best with work mates and relatives. Sometimes a
confrontational situation can be avoided simply by being honest, in a
conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you spend your
leisure time. The other person is given a chance to recognize the circumstances
of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obliged to make
some immediate response on this issue.
13.
Remember
that the decision to come out is yours. Don't be guilt-tripped into it by
people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask
impertinent questions. You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you
wish to come out. At this stage in our society, full public declarations about
one's sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.
14.
Try not to
let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third
parties such as neighbors or the media. Try to tell them personally beforehand.
15.
Whenever
you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from it.
16.
Never let
yourself be pressured into coming out before you are ready.
17.
Coming out
is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives. It won't always go
well, but most of the time it is a very freeing experience. Adapted
from a pamphlet found on the The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transexual SIG of
the National Capital Freenet, Ontario, Canada.
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